Scrambles, Shambles, Pro-Ams and Other Lesser Forms Of Golf

I hate scrambles. Perhaps they are a necessary evil of trying to get around a golf course with a large group of mixed handicaps, but the rounds tend to last five or six hours anyway, so what’s the point?

I hate that scrambles make me over swing because “the team” already has a ball in play so the only way I can contribute is to be long, which is not my game. Nonetheless, for the team, I jump up and try to show everyone my cleats. Half the time my “big swing” ends up as a dead pull and OB left. Now and then I’ll hit one pretty good only to find out that one of my flat-bellied partners has hit it past me anyway. Instantly, my best was relegated to second best just like that. What a waste.

Then there is putting and the embarrassment of missing a putt after you have seen the line and speed four times. And, let’s face it if you don’t birdie or eagle every hole you have no chance to win. Hell, I’ve played in scrambles that 25 under didn’t even make the front page of the leader-board. The first liar hasn’t got a chance.

Then there’s the closest-to-the-hole contest at the long par three that I never win. The only way I even get to write my name on that card is to be in the first group, which is good because only the second group knows that your ball was a good fifty feet from the hole. Writing your name on that card that stands defiantly close to the hole is a golfer’s badge of courage. You’ve hit dozens of balls closer. Now and then you’ve caught it clean and impressed your buddies with a little backspin. But this is better because you get to write your name down. Go figure.

Longest, straightest, closest to the hole; I pretty much suck at all of those things, so why do I hate scrambles when it is obviously a game suited to my talents? Because win lose or draw, it simply doesn’t feel like real golf.

A scramble reminds me of playing penny-ante poker with strangers where four aces may draw the same bet as two-pair. There is so little at stake you never get a feeling for the game. In a scramble format it’s easy to lose your focus, not to mention your pride and ego. Bad shots have no penalty because the guy behind you simply hits another. Good shots are blown out of proportion because four or five guys benefit from your occasional magic with a five-iron. High-fives all-round.

Another thing I hate about scrambles is the shotgun start. In my mind, golf courses are designed to be played hole one through hole eighteen and when you tee off on fifteen, which may be the number one handicap hole, it changes everything. I have a tiny little brain and when I get off to a bad start I have a very difficult time righting the ship. Think about it, have you ever double-bogeyed the first hole and had a good round?

Next month I’m playing in a shamble, which is better than a scramble but not better than just playing golf. It still makes me swing too hard off the tee, but at least after you move your ball to the site of the best tee shot you get to play your own ball in from there. I don’t know if a shamble is slower or faster than a scramble, but I do enjoy it more.

Speaking of six-hour rounds, for several years I played in a big-time pro-am at a PGA event that cost me about $5,000. It wasn’t a scramble, it was two-ball, and if you were out of the hole they made you pick up your ball. Most of the pros I played with were okay, some, like Tom Watson, were very nice and a few were real jerks and made no bones about not wanting to be there. For some reason those guys never realized that the dudes willing to pony-up the five grand were pretty important to the welfare of the Tournament. Go figure.

Which reminds me of the nameless PGA professional and recently fired television commentator that was asked by a one of the pro-am participants to read a putt to which he answered, “Pick up your ball fat boy, you’re out of the hole.” For $5,000 you deserve to have a putt read even by a jerk.

Like most of you, I hate to play slow and perhaps real golf would be slower than a scramble or a shamble. What do you think? What is the best way to move twenty or thirty foursomes around a golf course? Perhaps a better question would be, what would be the most fun?